Tuesday, January 1, 2013


Wishing you and your loved ones a year filled with laughter, health, and prosperity!

Monday, December 31, 2012

Peace Out 2012!


2011 started out high and finished very, very low.
I stayed in that low for most of 2012. I mean, I tried to maintain as much normalcy as I could in terms of work and activities, but I was really just going through the motions. As much as I tried, however, my heart was broken and heavy. My motto was "fake it until you make it."
So I faked it as best I could. I went to skating events, stifling the urge to cry at every sad song someone used for their performance. I went out with friends, using my time alone in the car to ponder Deep Dark Thoughts. I went to work, keeping my office door shut as much as I could so I wouldn't have to deal with people. I played with my daughter, always thinking in the back of my mind that my dad should have been able to enjoy more time with her. I look back at the early part of the year and it all seems like a foggy blur.
It wasn't until fall that the fog started to lift. On a trip to Seattle, sitting by myself on a bench looking out over the waterfront, doing nothing except taking in the beauty of the trees and the water, I felt a sense of peace I hadn't felt in quite some time. I don't know why or how that happened, but I don't need to question it. I'm just grateful that I finally started to feel more like myself. The fake me was barely keeping things together and would dissolve into tears or anger if anything didn't go the way it should have. The real me is much more even-keeled and I prefer it that way.
There are still things that weigh heavily on my mind. My mom's condition continues to deteriorate. My relationship with my brother feels forced and strained. My relationship with my sister-in-law is non-existent. But several weeks ago I realized and accepted that as much as all these things suck, it is okay for me to stop trying to fix things. I'm not going to find a cure for my mom. I guess in theory I could work towards repairing the relationship with my sibling and his spouse, but I don't think the onus should be on me to make that happen. It may sound selfish, but I think my energy would be better expended on things that I know make me happy: my family, my friends, my hobbies, etc. See? It does sound selfish - so much use of "me" and "my." Yet I don't think there's anything wrong with that in this context. I'm not seeking happiness through hurting anyone else. When it comes down to it, I'm a better wife, mom, and friend when I'm happy.
At the end of 2011, I was fearful, anxious, and uncertain of what 2012 would bring. Now at the end of 2012, I welcome 2013 and am hopeful that there will be better days ahead.

Friday, November 2, 2012

A Year in Constant Motion

Today marks a year since my dad went into the hospital. It feels like things have been non-stop ever since -- the type of busy where you know you are doing a lot of things, yet feel like you've accomplished nothing.

So what have I been up to the past year?

We celebrated our first Christmas as a family of three.

J turned a year old and celebrated by chowing down on naan, amongst other goodies.

I met my ice skating idol, the Kween herself, as she was inducted into the U.S. Figure Skating Hall of Fame at the 2012 Nationals.

I've been heading up to SF one weekend a month to check in on my mom. I've also been handling all of her affairs, which was overwhelming at the start since I needed to get established on all the accounts and figure everything out.

I got swamped with work. Then I got transferred to a new office location, in a region of the county I've never worked in. The transfer worked out to be a really good thing, and for a while gave me a lighter caseload, but now I'm back to being swamped.

We renewed our season tickets at the Pantages and saw some really great shows, including Book of Mormon.

I had a super fun weekend getaway with some of my favorite girls.

I had a rejuvenating solo getaway to Seattle/Kent for 2012 Skate America.

We've been househunting.

See what I mean? It doesn't seem like a whole lot of stuff, but I swear to you I seem to constantly have a lengthy to-do list that never gets completed. I know a lot of time is devoted to spending time with J, which I enjoy and have no regrets about, but seriously -- where does all the time go?!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Giving This Another Go

NaBloPoMo November 2012

Bear with me as I try to decipher all the changes to Blogger since the last time I posted.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times ...

Cliche, yet so very true.

The year started out great, with the birth of our sweet, adorable, goofy baby girl. I relished my time away from the office on maternity leave. What could be better than a steady schedule of baby snuggles, bad tv, shopping, and never having to set the alarm? I spent a lot of time with family and friends I usually don't get to see too often. My husband found a job quickly once he started looking -- a job that is vastly different (for the better) in terms of quality of life. We took a fabulous vacation to Maui and saw two of our good friends get married. I returned to work a found a new, comfortable groove in my assignment -- something I hadn't felt in the office for quite some time. Things were really, really good and I was really, really happy. Sure there were challenges and annoyances along the way, but the good far outweighed the bad. There were days I'd be in my office during lunch, catch a glimpse of a family photo or read a funny message from a friend, and think to myself "I am so blessed."

Then everything with my dad happened and my world fell apart. While I still can find joy, humor, and goodness in various things, there is still a deep sadness that permeates each day. No matter how enjoyable a particular day might be, at the end of it, in those moments right before you drift off to sleep, all my thoughts come back to the following: dad is gone, mom is losing her mind, and my relationship with my brother is (probably) permanently damaged.

When I look back on 2011, I don't know how to label it. Obviously the latter part of the year sucked big time, but the year also brought me some of the most magical moments I've ever experienced. So whatever 2011 was, I'm just relieved that it is over. And whatever 2012 will be, I just hope it isn't as much of a roller coaster ride.

Wishing all of you a happy and prosperous New Year!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Six Weeks

It's been just around six weeks since my dad died.

People have told me that I'll find "a new normal," but for now it just all still seems surreal.

There's a lot I want to document about everything that happened, but I can't. Not yet.

I don't cry every day anymore, but I've reached the point where something out of the blue, or the little things, will upset me and make me sad. Stuff like passing by the merlot section in BevMo. It's never been my favorite varietal, but it was my dad's favorite, so I'd always buy him a nice bottle for the holidays that we'd end up sharing. Tonight I wrote out all the cards for my parents' grandkids, grand-nieces & grand-nephews on behalf of my mom. Then I realized that with my mom's condition (dementia) and my dad's passing, there'd be no more cards for me from my parents on special occasions. And I still can't bear to read a newspaper when I'm up in San Francisco, because my dad and I would always swap sections.

I have no idea how to get through this Christmas weekend.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

You can have a plan ...

... but then life decides to throw up a roadblock instead.

In other words, my efforts at NaBloPoMo '11 are pretty much done today, Day 2.

At 9am this morning I was laughing & joking with court staff.

At 10am I got a message that my dad had taken a nasty fall, but appeared to be alright apart from a lot of blood.

At 11am I got a phone call that my dad was actually going to be facing an emergency craniotomy for a large subdural hematoma.

Cue sobbing & a massive freakout.

I never expected to spend my lunch talking to a neurosurgeon.

I don't have a laptop or iPad, so blogging will have to fall to the wayside since I've obviously got some business to handle.

If there was anything good to be said about today, it was the overwhelming amount of good thoughts and support I received from my friends --- old, new, near, far & some that I have never even met in person yet. Your messages really do mean a lot.

At 10pm, the adrenaline that has kept me going all day is gone & I am wiped out. But I've still got about 500 things to do before I can attempt sleep.